But this is not what I set to write in this post. What I would like to discuss is the feelings on being overweight, obese, and all that it entails.
In some sort of unconscious bizarre protection, I have never seen myself as obese. If I looked at myself on the mirror I would notice some bulge, but somehow I never saw the extent of my obesity. I just can guess that my unconscious was protecting me from it. And because I was a rather slim person all my life, (except the past 4-5 years) in my head I still felt like that.
This said, I could not escape reality. Any picture of me and I would cringe. I was wider than tall. My butt ballooned, my hips, my belly, my boobs... I became some sort of parody of an overweight Latina. I hated it. I felt so ugly, so undesirable, so repulsive. I still feel that way. I am still heavily overweight, although hopefully on the path to recovery.
One of the most dreadful things was to go shopping (an activity I dislike per se). It was glaringly obvious then how much bigger I had become. When I arrived to The Netherlands I was a nice size 34. I am now between 42 and 44. At my height, with so many curves and wobbles, to go shopping is panic-inducing. And because I was constantly gaining weight, I would always take a size to end up having to change it for the next bigger one.
Another thing is the whole stereotype you feel on you. "You are fat, therefore you must be stuffing yourself in chocolate cake" (not true). "You are fat, therefore you are a glutton and a sloth". "You don't exercise enough". Let me tell you, I love walking, biking, moving around. I get a big smile on my face when I do those things. But when you are so overweight, your body kind of cannot take it anymore. If I went for a walk during the weekend, I got very painful joints as a result. If walking hurts, you don't want to do it anymore. And indeed you end up like a couch potato. But to me, I became a couch potato because I was so fat.
Other stereotype is that because you are fat, you must be a person with no self control, no will. But I managed to get done a lot of things in my life on pure willpower. To carry through a PhD, for example, requires dedication, persistence, patience, long-term sight and yes, loads of willpower. I don't think there is anything wrong with my willpower, my self-control. That said, if I try one cookie, I must have them all. But I believe everybody has a weakness on the food department. I can be chocolate, bread, ice-cream, chips, but most people cannot stop themselves with some indulgence food of some sort. My solution to it is never try to delude myself on thinking "I'll just eat one". I know what will happen. I just don't try just the one, that's it. Don't touch them. Isn't that self control?
What is scary of the stereotypes is the underlying presumption: you must be fat because you chose it so. Not true.
I begged my doctors to try to find out what had changed in my body for me to become so fat. They told me it was the aging process. That the metabolism had slowed down and that there was nothing I could do about it. Do you have any idea how discouraging that is? "The only solution", they said, "is to eat smaller portions and move more". Well, that requires monstrous amounts of willpower. To be hungry trying to perform harder, that is really tough. And I had tried it and tried it to no avail for a long time.
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